All Narcissists Follow the Same Pattern — Here Are Some of the Most Common Phrases Narcissists Use to Manipulate You

man straightening his hair

A man getting his hair done (stock image).Tim Roberts/Getty Images

  • often a narcissist Relationships follow the same pattern: idealize, devalue, and destroy.

  • They also have a particular way of speaking to manipulate their victims.

  • Here are some things a narcissist is likely to say in a relationship and when to expect it.

You can meet someone and feel like you’ve known them for life. Often this means being comfortable in each other’s company.

But in some cases, it can be a more ominous sign. Especially if she’s only been with you for five minutes and she’s professing her love for you.

Narcissists sometimes “i love bombing— Pretending to be everything you ever wanted and then just giving it back to you even further. It’s a manipulative tactic to involve their targets. I shower them with gifts. torture the victim by gaslighting, makes them wonder what is’s all part of the plan take full control.

Although there is no global summit for everyone dark triad When people get together to discuss their tactics, they seem to work similarly.

“They seem to be reading from the same manual, even though nobody gave them that manual,” says psychologist Perpetua Neo. People who work with victims of narcissistic abuse“They are programmed almost identically.”

Here are some specific phrases that narcissists use and how they express things.

They love to bomb you at the idealization stage.

couple whisper

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Relationships with narcissists change very quickly. According to Neo, some people simply get along well because they have similar interests and complement each other’s differences.

“But anyone who tries to do it too early basically accelerates intimacy. That’s bad news,” she said. It suggests that you are doing something creepy.”

During the first few weeks, the narcissist will say things like:

“You are my soulmate.”

“I have never met someone like you.”

“You understand me better than anyone else.”

“It was fate that we met.”

“I’ve never felt this way with anyone before.”

“Am I your only friend? You are my only friend.”

“We don’t need anyone else.”

“You are so kind, creative, smart, beautiful and perfect.”

“We will be together forever.”

Then the devaluation stage occurs.

quarreling couple

A couple quarreling.Gorodenkov/Shutterstock

When narcissists drive their victims crazy, they start showing their true selves. This is where insults and contempt begin to slip into what they say. They suddenly criticize a partner they once seemed to love. Everything they say is part of a plan to destroy your partner’s trust.

But the nastyness is entwined with some affection, as the narcissist knows he must maintain the illusion that the relationship is worth salvaging. and make the victim believe that the insult was their fault.

During this phrase, the narcissist may utter some of the following phrases:

“you are crazy.”

“You are too sensitive.”

“No wonder no one else likes you.”

“My friends hate you, but I will always protect you and have your back.”

“You are very anxious.”

“Is something wrong?”

“Am I not more important to you than your friends?”

“Your tears don’t work on me. Why are you crying?”

“You are very manipulative.”

they explain their actions.

arguing couple

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Alena Scigliano, a licensed psychotherapist, author, and clinical expert in narcissistic abuse told Insider that many of the phrases used by pathological narcissists are what she calls “distractions.” He said it falls into the category of operational tactics.

“For example, a narcissist may distract, project, sacrifice, or scapegoat another person as a means of distracting someone from drawing attention to the narcissist’s failures and shortcomings,” she said. He said, “Projection is an example of bias toward the accuser.”

They will probably start explaining their actions when challenged by saying:

“I’m doing this because my parents were so mean to me.”

“My ex-boyfriend cheated on me.”

“Love is hard. We have to work on it.”

“Everyone is abandoning me, so please help me.”

“I’m acting like this because I’m afraid of losing you.”

“I’m not doing it on purpose, but I have a problem.”

“Do you remember how good it was in the beginning?”

“I need to stop being selfish/careless/busy with other people.”

“You can’t blame me, you know I’m in trouble.”

Criticize and isolate everything the victim loves.


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In an interview with Insider, psychiatrist Dr. Edward Ratush said that anyone in a relationship with a narcissist is always subject to criticism.

“The love they receive can feel like a bargain,” says Ratush, founder of mental health platform SOHOMD. Leave your partner in the shadows forever.

They try to devalue everything the victim loves, including their interests and hobbies and even their families. They insult all they can by saying things like:

“I don’t like your friends – they aren’t good enough for you.”

“Do you like it? It sucks.”

“I can’t believe you are enjoying this”

“Your family hates me. You shouldn’t see them too often.”

“If you leave and see your friends, you’ll get angry.”

They make you feel guilty and make you feel “lucky.”



Clinical psychologist Lauren Cook told Insider that narcissists know how to quickly induce guilt and debt. she said.

“Instead of trying to win your respect or accepting feedback that boundaries need to be set, they’ll say, ‘If you really loved me’ or ‘If you really cared.’ ‘They will try to build up the guilt to make you feel like the ‘bad guy’ for not doing your best to make the narcissist feel special. will do.

they might say:

“You are lucky to be with me.”

“You are lucky to be in front of me.”

“You are so lucky to have my time and attention in all the other things I do.”

they play to their advantage.

Woman applying makeup in bathroom mirror

Klaus Wedfeldt/Getty Images

Narcissists also have an advantage, especially if they are older than the victim or brought in from a foreign country.

They claim authority by saying:

“I’ve been through more relationships and that’s why I’m saying this.”

“Because I said so, you can’t wear it.”

“It makes you look stupid.”

“Your dress is too short.”

“You know I’m smart. You know I know more about this than you.”

“I’m local here, I know.”

they make you tired.

woman being chased by stalker

Sinan Sagram / EyeEm

When the narcissist has worn the victim down completely, they may tire of them. Either way, their insults reach their worst level at this stage, and they find more ways to tear their partners apart, ensuring they leave the relationship as the “winners.”

They throw poisons at their victims, such as:

“Everyone hates you.”

“You are a bad person.”

“No one else will love you.”

“I’m the best you’ve ever been.”

“Enjoy your life alone.”

“You did this to yourself.”

It only gets worse.

woman looking in the mirror

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Neo said the only way to escape a narcissist’s insults and threats is to run fast and far away from them. They keep their victims in a constant state of stress and know exactly where to dig deep with their knives.

“I mean, you stay on your tiptoes and bend further back like a dancing monkey,” said Neo.

break away from the narcissist It’s like “protecting yourself from sharks,” says Ratush.

“I have to punch my nose,” he said. “Despite their ferocious appearance, they often crumble when confronted. Their bullying quickly dissipates, revealing what lies beneath.”

The best defense against their words, he added, is a sense of oneself.

“As master manipulators, narcissists know how to influence your thoughts and actions,” said Ratush. “Self-awareness provides the best defense against these tactics.”

If you think you may be in an abusive relationship or know someone who is being abused, there are services you can contact.of My plan app One Love and the National Domestic Abuse Hotline A helpful resource.

This article was first published in August 2018 and was updated in February 2023 with more experts and new information.

Read the original article at insider